I would like to note that I looked up the email address that xxxxx was supposed to be sending these too and it linked to a page from a Romance Scam website.
So as far as I'm concerned, my random babblings to her are actually saving her from giving any (more?) money to some jerky who is the actual spammer in this relationship. I'd like to think of myself as the rodeo clown who keeps dancing around the bull so xxxxx the bullfighter can continue navigating the dangerous world of dating.
Here's to being ridiculous in order to save the good from evil....
.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The Rebirth - May 8th
After 2 months of inactivity, where I honestly forgot about this whole exchange, xxxxx is back at it. Alright! Let's keep the fun going....
From xxxxx to me:
Hi Love,
Im sorry to ask....But what is your late wifes name?
Uh oh. Is she on to me? Is this a test?
From me to xxxxx:
Now you know this is a tough topic for me. Ever since she left, I don't repeat her name because she's with Jesus now and you never say his name (in vain, it was okay right there). If I did, she may come back and haunt me, and not in the good way where that person floats above your bed and you let them caress you with their silvery translucent fingers. Which reminds me, we should talk about that. I bought a lot of silver body paint and was hoping we could bathe each other in it and then reenact a seance and eventually make ghost love. Clearly the movie is an inspiration for me, but it goes behind that (ed. note- should have been "beyond that"). This is what she would want, and I'm hoping what you want too.
Which brings me to the question, why do you want to know her name?
From xxxxx to me:
Well because I recieved a package from a Ralph Wiggum today addressed to a Sissy Pastries C/O xxxxx... With Bday card to a Sissy! Sorry for asking.*
* I was going to say it's obvious I changed all the names for publishing's sake, but considering the level of ridiculousness between each of us, I guess it may not be obvious if you are reading this xxxxx.
From me to xxxxx:
Oh, that's okay. Sometimes I can be mean, and I apologize, it just that it makes me feel better about myself.
What is crazy ole Ralph up to this days? Last time he sent me a package, it was a 10 pound turkey that was just about fully rotted. So I guess it was only about 6 pounds by the time it arrived and the UPS box was clearly water damaged from the turkey juice.
I knew it was 10 pounds to start because it said it on the packing slip. I guess they forgot to send the ice packs with it. It tasted okay. All the doctors at the hospital said I was so lucky, but I wasn't sure what they meant. I was the one paying them.
Did you get a turkey too or something else besides the birthday card?
Stay warm and sweet and lovely and special and nice and beautiful
.
From xxxxx to me:
Hi Love,
Im sorry to ask....But what is your late wifes name?
Uh oh. Is she on to me? Is this a test?
From me to xxxxx:
Now you know this is a tough topic for me. Ever since she left, I don't repeat her name because she's with Jesus now and you never say his name (in vain, it was okay right there). If I did, she may come back and haunt me, and not in the good way where that person floats above your bed and you let them caress you with their silvery translucent fingers. Which reminds me, we should talk about that. I bought a lot of silver body paint and was hoping we could bathe each other in it and then reenact a seance and eventually make ghost love. Clearly the movie is an inspiration for me, but it goes behind that (ed. note- should have been "beyond that"). This is what she would want, and I'm hoping what you want too.
Which brings me to the question, why do you want to know her name?
From xxxxx to me:
Well because I recieved a package from a Ralph Wiggum today addressed to a Sissy Pastries C/O xxxxx... With Bday card to a Sissy! Sorry for asking.*
* I was going to say it's obvious I changed all the names for publishing's sake, but considering the level of ridiculousness between each of us, I guess it may not be obvious if you are reading this xxxxx.
From me to xxxxx:
Oh, that's okay. Sometimes I can be mean, and I apologize, it just that it makes me feel better about myself.
What is crazy ole Ralph up to this days? Last time he sent me a package, it was a 10 pound turkey that was just about fully rotted. So I guess it was only about 6 pounds by the time it arrived and the UPS box was clearly water damaged from the turkey juice.
I knew it was 10 pounds to start because it said it on the packing slip. I guess they forgot to send the ice packs with it. It tasted okay. All the doctors at the hospital said I was so lucky, but I wasn't sure what they meant. I was the one paying them.
Did you get a turkey too or something else besides the birthday card?
Stay warm and sweet and lovely and special and nice and beautiful
.
Why Won't You Die!! - February 19th Part 2
From xxxxx to me:
Hi You,
Hope your day is going good? Not to stressful.
hope you are feeling better, hows the headache?
Have great day.
Always.
An hour and change after our last exchange this woman is back at it again! How is my headache? I probably wouldn't have one if you didn't keep pestering me with these 5 line emails that can be condensed to 3 words. I'm beginning to think she has a template and is actually a spammer but where's the part where she takes my money?
From me to xxxxx:
Not good xxxxx. My circuits are blown. I need to move to a colder climate and stick my head in the snow so my nasal passages are cleared. Then again, any dirt may get in my nose. Why did I overuse that damn nose trimmer. It's because you said you liked my nose and then I must have overcompensated. I'm glad when we have these talks. You know just the right things to say. Even though we aren't touching each other right now, I feel your hand over my heart and you can guess where my other hand is! It's between my big toe and the other one next to the big toe, scratching. I think I may have athlete's foot. I should probably wash my hands before I eat this carrot now. Nah, you can't get athlete's foot anywhere else but your foot, right? No biggie.
I love our talks.
Stay wonderful and make a snowball and throw it at the first person you see!
From xxxxx to me:
Ok, now I think Im confused. LOL You have me guessing every moment with a huge laugh and smile....
one day you will have to explain what you are trying to say!!:-)
That shut her up for a good 2 months. Next time you want to have someone stop talking to you and you want to make it interesting, just speak in free association mode and they will most likely deem you crazy enough to leave, but not my xxxxx! She's in it until I make it to Arkham. God bless your heart sweetie. Goodnight! Sweet dreams!
Hi You,
Hope your day is going good? Not to stressful.
hope you are feeling better, hows the headache?
Have great day.
Always.
An hour and change after our last exchange this woman is back at it again! How is my headache? I probably wouldn't have one if you didn't keep pestering me with these 5 line emails that can be condensed to 3 words. I'm beginning to think she has a template and is actually a spammer but where's the part where she takes my money?
From me to xxxxx:
Not good xxxxx. My circuits are blown. I need to move to a colder climate and stick my head in the snow so my nasal passages are cleared. Then again, any dirt may get in my nose. Why did I overuse that damn nose trimmer. It's because you said you liked my nose and then I must have overcompensated. I'm glad when we have these talks. You know just the right things to say. Even though we aren't touching each other right now, I feel your hand over my heart and you can guess where my other hand is! It's between my big toe and the other one next to the big toe, scratching. I think I may have athlete's foot. I should probably wash my hands before I eat this carrot now. Nah, you can't get athlete's foot anywhere else but your foot, right? No biggie.
I love our talks.
Stay wonderful and make a snowball and throw it at the first person you see!
From xxxxx to me:
Ok, now I think Im confused. LOL You have me guessing every moment with a huge laugh and smile....
one day you will have to explain what you are trying to say!!:-)
That shut her up for a good 2 months. Next time you want to have someone stop talking to you and you want to make it interesting, just speak in free association mode and they will most likely deem you crazy enough to leave, but not my xxxxx! She's in it until I make it to Arkham. God bless your heart sweetie. Goodnight! Sweet dreams!
Taking it to the Next Level: February 18-19th
You would think that after I went off the deep end that this woman would stop getting back to me or at least would consider she has the wrong guy. Clearly she has already established a connection with him, dropping "love" and "I'm trusting you with this" so does she consider me to be an alternate ego of this guy?
From xxxxx to me:
Good morning Love,
I hope you had a good night sleep and that you are feeling better. I wish I could be there to help you...
You need to sleep and better well to get through these bids.
GOOD LUCK!!
Feel better.
I will talk to you soon.
Love xxxxx
So I guess I am some sort of auctioneer or financial worker. Either way, she's back and talking vaguely again. This does give meaning to "sweet nothings." Thinking about it, these are the things you say to your girlfriend/boyfriend and for some reason they hold this special meaning, or at least it was for me at some point. Seems silly now. Well let's get sillier...
From me to xxxxx:
I am a robot sent from the future in order to please the entire female race. I have selected you, xxxxx, because you make me feel human. If I disappear, it is because my creator must have been killed in a battle before he had the chance to design me. Either way, we should get you pregnant. How does Wednesday sound?
From xxxxx to me:
Oh my god, now that made me laugh..... :-)
Where did you come up with that one??
Hmmm prgnant huh? And Wednesday???
Well being that you will be in London and I'm here in NY I think that might be a little difficult...Lol
OhI love you, you always make me smile!!
Although we would make a gorgeous little person.....
Muah!!
Seriously? Okay I'll keep it going...
From me to xxxxx:
You,
I have to admit something to you. I have the ability to travel through ethernet, firewire 800 (not 400), and telephone wires so traveling the world is not an issue. Please don't tell anyone that because if that information fell into the wrong hands, they could trap me in one of their secure modems.
Alternatively, I could send you a sample of my manrobot semen and you could go to a clinic or use the turkey baster. Obviously I would send it in a ice pack container like they do with Junior's Cheesecakes.
I agree our offspring will be wonderful since I have met him already. I don't know if person is the word for him, but this will all make sense in due time.
Love, Kisses, and Castor Oil,
Me
From xxxxx to me (2 minutes later):
Omg... I love it.
You have done it again, made my yucky day great....
Hmmm you have met him Huh??
Ok I think I understood most of that except the Castraoil?
Want to explain than one? Lol :-0)
Always....
From xxxxx to me (40 minutes later):
Oh I got the CastorOil now....Lol Robot.. Duh!! Dont want to rust...
Always. Me
.
From xxxxx to me:
Good morning Love,
I hope you had a good night sleep and that you are feeling better. I wish I could be there to help you...
You need to sleep and better well to get through these bids.
GOOD LUCK!!
Feel better.
I will talk to you soon.
Love xxxxx
So I guess I am some sort of auctioneer or financial worker. Either way, she's back and talking vaguely again. This does give meaning to "sweet nothings." Thinking about it, these are the things you say to your girlfriend/boyfriend and for some reason they hold this special meaning, or at least it was for me at some point. Seems silly now. Well let's get sillier...
From me to xxxxx:
I am a robot sent from the future in order to please the entire female race. I have selected you, xxxxx, because you make me feel human. If I disappear, it is because my creator must have been killed in a battle before he had the chance to design me. Either way, we should get you pregnant. How does Wednesday sound?
From xxxxx to me:
Oh my god, now that made me laugh..... :-)
Where did you come up with that one??
Hmmm prgnant huh? And Wednesday???
Well being that you will be in London and I'm here in NY I think that might be a little difficult...Lol
OhI love you, you always make me smile!!
Although we would make a gorgeous little person.....
Muah!!
Seriously? Okay I'll keep it going...
From me to xxxxx:
You,
I have to admit something to you. I have the ability to travel through ethernet, firewire 800 (not 400), and telephone wires so traveling the world is not an issue. Please don't tell anyone that because if that information fell into the wrong hands, they could trap me in one of their secure modems.
Alternatively, I could send you a sample of my manrobot semen and you could go to a clinic or use the turkey baster. Obviously I would send it in a ice pack container like they do with Junior's Cheesecakes.
I agree our offspring will be wonderful since I have met him already. I don't know if person is the word for him, but this will all make sense in due time.
Love, Kisses, and Castor Oil,
Me
From xxxxx to me (2 minutes later):
Omg... I love it.
You have done it again, made my yucky day great....
Hmmm you have met him Huh??
Ok I think I understood most of that except the Castraoil?
Want to explain than one? Lol :-0)
Always....
From xxxxx to me (40 minutes later):
Oh I got the CastorOil now....Lol Robot.. Duh!! Dont want to rust...
Always. Me
.
Now It's Getting Personal - February 7th
When I received another message from the same person talking about things I have no clue about, I began to take notice of certain details. For one, the email address it was addressed to wasn't even mine. It was similar but had numbers at the end. I consider Gmail on their game, but for some reason they are sending this person's emails to my account. After this email, I decided to do a spam checker by replying to it. See below:
From xxxxx to me:
Hi there
Hope you slept well and are rested for your early meeting?
I am still unsure about this, I am trusting you with alot. I do not trust to many people especially with my money, I work very hard to make sure I have what my son needs. I guess I need your reassurance that you will not hurt me in anyway and I trust you will make the promise you made to me good!?
I understand you have feelings for me and that you say I have your heart.
I am affraid to get close to anyone and Im sure you have figured that out by now... And that Mark is my most precious thing as Im sure your son is yours. So, you know how difficult something like this is for me.
I hope we continue on our path of reaching each other. I still look forward to visiting you in florida and spending time together.
Have a great day, stay warm.
Always xxxxx
From me to xxxxx:
i waited for you and you never showed. i wore the yellow hat as promised. what happened?
From xxxxx to me 3 minutes later!!
What are you taking about?
Okay, so now we are dealing with an actual human being that isn't searching for random email addresses and hitting send all. This is interesting. So I kick it up:
From me to xxxxx:
You told me to wait by the hot dog stand on 45th and 7th ave wearing a yellow hat to match the mustard you like on your hotdog. I had to go out and buy a yellow hat, since it was pretty much the only color hat I don't own. An hour of freezing and an hour of sitting at the bar at Red Lobster across the street, waiting.
I don't enjoy power games and I hope we can work this out.
From xxxxx to me:
Hi there
Hope you slept well and are rested for your early meeting?
I am still unsure about this, I am trusting you with alot. I do not trust to many people especially with my money, I work very hard to make sure I have what my son needs. I guess I need your reassurance that you will not hurt me in anyway and I trust you will make the promise you made to me good!?
I understand you have feelings for me and that you say I have your heart.
I am affraid to get close to anyone and Im sure you have figured that out by now... And that Mark is my most precious thing as Im sure your son is yours. So, you know how difficult something like this is for me.
I hope we continue on our path of reaching each other. I still look forward to visiting you in florida and spending time together.
Have a great day, stay warm.
Always xxxxx
From me to xxxxx:
i waited for you and you never showed. i wore the yellow hat as promised. what happened?
From xxxxx to me 3 minutes later!!
What are you taking about?
Okay, so now we are dealing with an actual human being that isn't searching for random email addresses and hitting send all. This is interesting. So I kick it up:
From me to xxxxx:
You told me to wait by the hot dog stand on 45th and 7th ave wearing a yellow hat to match the mustard you like on your hotdog. I had to go out and buy a yellow hat, since it was pretty much the only color hat I don't own. An hour of freezing and an hour of sitting at the bar at Red Lobster across the street, waiting.
I don't enjoy power games and I hope we can work this out.
The One that Started It All - February 3rd
On February 3, 2010, I began to receive emails from a certain woman who I believed to be a spammer. It was easy to dismiss the message considering how vague it was. And that's just what I did. See for yourself:
From xxxxx to me:
Good Morning Love
I hope you slept well? It's 10 pm her, I'm going to bed.
I truely Enjoyed being able to talk with you tonight.
Good luck tomorrow. Thinking of you always.
Talk to you soon,
Love xxxxx
Why I didn't delete the message, I'm not sure, but I'm thankful I didn't.
4 days later I received another message....
From xxxxx to me:
Good Morning Love
I hope you slept well? It's 10 pm her, I'm going to bed.
I truely Enjoyed being able to talk with you tonight.
Good luck tomorrow. Thinking of you always.
Talk to you soon,
Love xxxxx
Why I didn't delete the message, I'm not sure, but I'm thankful I didn't.
4 days later I received another message....
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